Luigi Amuck

Luigi was on a background of some replica of 17th century France, wearing a fancy outfit and wielding a court sword in his right hand. "Hold it, Cardinal! I will show you my blade and your blood! Touché!" Suddenly, after a few sketchy pictures, the background faded away. Luigi was confused. "Cardinal? En garde? Touché? Hey, where's the scenery? Where and when is this picture?" he asked.
The person in charge did add some scenery, but what Luigi didn't know was that he'd be in 19th century Italy instead of 17th century France. "Hold it, Cardinal! I will show you my blade and your… blood?" Luigi was even more confused; then he gave a nonchalant look and said, "Go ahead. It's all yours." Within a few seconds Luigi was in his green hat and shirt and overalls, playing a mandolin and singing:
"When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore…"
Suddenly the setting changed to the interior of a moving train, and with it Luigi sang these bizarre lyrics:
"When the world looks quite plain
Like you're inside a train
That's… amore?"
Luigi stopped singing. "Would it be too hard," he asked, rather frustrated, "if the two of us could agree for once?" Within a few seconds he was back on the scene as a railroad conductor, singing an old classic:
"I've been working on the railroad
All the live long day
I've been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away…"
As he sang the last four words the scene changed again, this time to a jail cell. Luigi came back with a prisoner's uniform and sang:
"Now if I had the wings of an angel
Over these prison walls I would fly
I would fly to the arms of my darling
And there I'd be willing to…"
But before Luigi could finish the background became once again a series of sketches, followed by pure white. "Sir or Madam," he said as his body was slowly being erased, "it may come as a surprise to you that you are writing a fanfiction with me, Luigi Mario. And in every fanfiction, there is a setting, a specific time and place in which it occurs. And in all the years I've been in fanfiction, nothing like this has ever…" But he was erased before he could finish his sentence and say "happened." Instead, he asked, "What now?"
A paintbrush drew Luigi in his regular clothes and holding a tenor saxophone. He attempted to play it; but no sound came out, so he held up a sign that said "SOUND PLEASE!" As he had requested, some sound was added; but as Luigi blew into the saxophone he first heard a foghorn, then a cow mooing. In disgust the plumber flung the saxophone to the ground and dragged it out of sight; but he was back in sight three seconds later. As he opened his mouth he made the sound of nails on a blackboard and, in complete embarrassment, quickly shut it. When he opened it again he made the sound of an owl hooting. He shut it again, releasing a loud timpani note when he opened it a third time. Luigi was not amused. "AND I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS IN MY LIFETIME!" he bellowed. As soon as he was once again calm, he said, "If we could get this in order, please add some scenery for me."
The second he left a pencil drew a very sucky background of the Mushroom Kingdom. "I'll say that's quite a scene, is it not?" he said. "Now how about a little color?" So a paintbrush painted Luigi's clothes various colors. "I didn't say me, Picasso!" he yelled; so his clothes were quickly erased and, unbeknownst to him, so was the style of his moustache. While his clothes were his familiar shirt and overalls, his moustache now looked like it belonged on Rudyard Kipling or Jerry Colonna. "I don't know just what's up with me," Luigi said to himself. "I've held up my contract at Nintendo for so long, even though I've been out of the spotlight a lot, and I've definitely kept myself in shape since '83; but somehow I just don't feel quite like myself. Oh, I'm perfectly fine, and yet I…" Then he saw himself in a mirror and screamed at his reflection. "You know better than to screw with my moustache!" he yelled angrily to the artist/writer.
So his normal moustache returned and he was given a pirate's outfit. "Oh, a corsair I am, eh? I've always wanted to join Hook and Company. Now if you wouldn't mind, please provide the appropriate scenery, Van Gogh." So the artist drew the sea and a distant island with a small treasure chest, but no ship or boat for the plumber to stand in. Luigi began to sing another song he knew from his childhood:
"Oh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life
A-rovin' over the sea
Give me a career as a buccaneer
It's the life of a pirate for me
Oh, the life of a pirate… for me?"
Then he realized that he was right over the sea and fell into the water. Within five seconds he was on the island, back in his normal clothes. "Whoever you are," he said, "come over here and zoom in on me." Then everything was taken out except for a small portion of the scene with Luigi. "YOU HEARD ME!" he roared. "ZOOM IN ON ME!"
Then all too quickly, the camera zoomed in on him, and his face hit the screen. "That's too far in," he mumbled. So the camera zoomed out a little. "That's better," he said. "Now let's have a little talk about this." Then a black object came down from the ceiling. "If one more event like this happens," Luigi said in frustration, "I'm outta here." The black object came down on Luigi even more. Half frustrated and half frightened, he tore what had fallen on him as much as he could. "Okay! You've had your fun. Now let's get this story started!" So the author wrote "THE END" in large, bold capital letters.
"NO!" screamed Luigi. "Please! I'll let you do what you want, and I'll do what I want. Okay? Ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, it gives me great pleasure to entertain you in the manner that only I, Luigi Mario, can do." So to the strain of "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin, he began dancing, only for the screen to move, revealing another Luigi below him.
"Now what?" asked the two Luigis simultaneously. The original Luigi then asked, "What are you doing down there?" "Down here?" asked the clone Luigi. "What are you doing up there?" And he brought the original Luigi "down there." "If you weren't me," the original Luigi said, "I'd smack you right in the face!" "Go ahead and do it, Johnny!" the clone Luigi said. "If that's how you want it, Clyde," said the original Luigi, pulling back his right hand, "then you're getting it, whether you like it or not!" But before he could deal the blow, a pencil erased the clone, and there was once again a single Luigi.
Soon Luigi was put on a background of the clear blue sky inside a Sopwith Camel. "Alright!" he cried. "Watch out, Manfred von Richthofen! Here comes Luigi Mario!" And with a loud roar Luigi was off in the skies of the Great War. But a paintbrush quickly drew Mt. Matterhorn, and the Sopwith Camel was destroyed. "Uh oh!" exclaimed Luigi. "Looks like I need to hit the silk now! GERONIMO!" As the last word was uttered it was quickly changed to something much less likely, and Luigi instead uttered the name "PONTIAC!" as he opened his parachute.
Within three seconds of being opened the parachute was erased and replaced with an anvil, causing Luigi to plummet rapidly to earth. As he landed Luigi, pounding the anvil with a hammer as if he were drunk, sang a rather familiar tune in an unfamiliar manner:
"Chi del gitano i giorni abbella?
Chi del gitano i giorni abbella,
chi? chi i giorni abbella?
Chi del gitano i giorni abbella?
La zingarella!"
At the last line the anvil was replaced with an artillery shell, and as Luigi struck the shell it exploded and nearly blew him to kingdom come. The plumber was now at the end of his rope. "Enough is enough!" he thundered. "You've broken the camel's back and it won't fix itself! Tell me who you are! Show yourself, you sneak!" As he said this a brick wall was being drawn around him.
Little did he know that the author and artist of this fanfiction was his own brother, Mario. "Weird, isn't it?" the red plumber asked, and he winked his right eye at the audience.